9 March 2009

A darker comedy than I knew...

Probably not. I am every bit as tired of him as you are, but old habits die hard.

Yesterday morning, I had a wake-up call of sorts that had nothing whatsoever to do with this farcical Sims Community drama or The Sims 2. A person that I actually do like and care about - even love like a brother - very politely informed me that I am an asshole and too selfish to be considered his friend any longer. Not precisely his words, but I got the message clear enough.

If it had been someone in the greater Sims Community, I could have easily shrugged it off. But it wasn't. So I had to take it seriously. Don't mistake this to mean that I don't value my friends within the Sims Community, they are important to me too. But this has occasioned a rather nasty bit of introspection and self-assessment. I admit my flaws a little too casually it seems. Somehow, to me, simply warning people I am an asshole and selfish came to excuse the fact I am.

I thought maybe by not allowing my friends to help me, that maybe I might avoid that feeling of using them; seems this is rather the opposite of how these things work. Your friends sort of want to be used in a manner of speaking, that is if you really do need their help.

I also thought that by not exposing them to me when I am having a particularly not-so-great time, I was somehow proctecting them from any emotional injury and preserve the friendships that we have... wrong again.

I am not without some keen awareness that people do have feelings and that it is my especial talent to hurt those feelings. I even like doing it sometimes. But not this time and not this person.

So as much as all you pirates hate me, guess what? right here, right now, I am hating myself right along with you. No, I don't expect to be forgiven and smooth things over this time. No, I don't want to be forgiven at all, that would be too easy and I might not change. Worse, the change might only be temporary. This time, I want it to stick.

So, brother, if you ever happen to read this, thank you for the wonderful friendship you offered me all these years, I am sorry I didn't appreciate it or treat it with the reverence it deserved. But thank you even more for telling the truth about myself, I couldn't see it until you pointed it out. I am only too sorry that it was necessary that you had to point it out.

Edit: I should point out that this apology is in no way whatsoever directed at the pirates or any of the over-reacting non-pirates that went up like bottle rockets over my "ass cancer" comment, they can all still kiss my ass.